It is safer and more efficient to raise a child with a “gingerbread”, psychologist Alan Kazdin is sure. The “whip” is not suitable for these purposes, it only temporarily facilitates the parental burden, poisoning the life of children.
When parents come to me who do not know what to do with children, I say to them: “Relax! Everything happens “. All children roll up hysteria. And absolutely everything at times bring adults to white heat. Children’s behavior is a vinaigrette from habits, character traits and templates. Habits and templates are never too late to change.
When the parent shouts at the child or spits him on the pope, he admits that he cannot influence his son or his daughter in another way. Punishments do not show what needs to be done, and do not bring additional points for the desired behavior – and this is the main way of learning.
It is useless to conduct long conversations with the child in a situation where the five -year period is dubes with something that gets a younger sister. No need to approach and try to exhort: “Honey, no need to beat your sister, it hurts, unpleasant and scary. You are smart, don’t hit!”Arguments are useful, it changes the way of thinking of the child, develops his thinking, but, unfortunately, does not change behavior. The only true way is to reinforce the good behavior that you would like to see in a child. Then it will quickly displace the “bad”.
Suppose you are going somewhere and say to your daughter: “Get dressed. We have to go”. Or: “Let’s get together faster, otherwise we will be late”. Speak strictly, in a tone that does not suffer objection. But she begins to be capricious and rest or run from you around the apartment. And you begin to be annoyed, but it would be better to affectionately say: “Darling, put on a blue sweater or orange blouse. We are going to go out, good?”
It is important for children to be able to make a choice, they are drunk from the feeling that they can solve something. When the child begins to gather, praise him. The next time it will gather much faster.
No less sharp moments – lessons and cleaning in the apartment. The child constantly forgets about them, puts it off for later. Most parents recalls unpleasant responsibilities once, another, third, then begins to boil, threaten, punish. But “reminders” also do not work. They make the child run away from a person who endlessly repeats the same.
Ask him once politely and correctly: “Please get in your room”. If he fulfills your request, be sure to praise it or somehow reward it. Do not save warm words at the time when everything is done. Try at the very beginning of the cleaning, then after cleaning the table, then after it sprinkles or gets the floor. Every time he gets down to business. Over time, cleaning will not cause him hostility, or maybe he will even be pleasure.
In the same way, you once taught him to walk. You praised him. Here he, swaying, stood up: “Smart!”Then he took a timid step, holding on to your finger:“ Look, our baby has gone!”Although, of course, it was still very far from” walking “. But you gradually formed his skill, encouraging him at every stage.
This principle can be applied to any complex behavior.
Never be afraid to praise your child. Just learn how to do it right. It would not be very true to repeat: “You are so smart! So beautiful! So talented!”For your son or daughter, it is more important when you in a positive way evaluate him or her actions:“ Listen, you just played Bach incredibly now!”Or:” And dad, and I am delighted with your cake “.
